Opening my eyes I looked at the clock and it announced in green neon 6:52. Usually I get right up out of bed (except for the time I hit my toe on the sewing machine and snapped it in two). This morning I turned and gazed at him. He was sleeping soundly. I could tell it was a sound sleep because his breathing was deep and peaceful. Laying my head on his chest he stirred a bit. Waking a little he arranged his arm so I could lay right in the crook of his arm and shoulder. My spot. That is where my head fits perfectly. I could hear his heart beating strong and in sync.
Three years ago that heart was beaten and completely broken. What a surprise on Valentines Day 2013, when hearts are knit together with love, his was broken physically and I was broken hearted thinking he might not make it. The doctors did their best but the damage was done. A large stent and 2 weeks later he was trying to make a go of life. Never did I waiver in my faith in God. I knew He had Steve’s heart in His capable hands but at my core I was overwhelmed. This man is my world. He is my sun moon and stars. My world was crashing down around me. It was hard loosing my mother, but my husband? Could I survive? Could I walk through each day without him? That was asking too much! To be perfectly honest that’s a long road I wasn’t ready to travel.
I know many women who are walking that road. They are my heros. I see them sitting alone in church or sitting beside other women in their shoes. Safety in numbers, they are in a sisterhood. I sit by myself in church and always have. First, because my husband was not saved and didn’t go to church, and now because he sits upstairs running power point for the service. He knows just when to switch the words on the screen as to not make we worship teamers crazy in the head! Bless him, that unsung hero of making it all look so effortless. I have had people come up to me and ask if he is OK because they hadn’t seen him in a while. Bless their hearts I tell them to just turn around, look up in the balcony and wave at him.
After the heart was patched back together he was still having a difficult ime. He was, by no means, out of those proverbial woods. On my birthday in 2015 he had a pace maker/defibrulator installed. Oh my gosh I love modern technology! We are so very blessed to live in a time such as this. God has allowed mere man to come so far to save lives! Months later that proved to be the best birthday gift ever. His heart is gaining. It is healing and beating in rhythm. Energy that was elusive is now part of every day life.
So I lay here listening to the perfect beat of his heart. He turns to me and says “I love you so much.” I smile and tell him I love him too. He reiterates “no, I mean I love you so deeply.” I turn to look at him. “I know you do sweetheart.” I say. Then he leans up on his elbow and with his fingers gently pushes the hair out of my face. Looking deeply in to my eyes he says “I love you so deep, down to my bones. My bones are full of love for you.” That is when the tears came for me. He was telling me that after 38 years of marriage, lots of issues, bodies failing us, family problems and the day to day of life he loved me and that was it. The stories I could tell of this being a second marriage for both of us and how we beat the odds, of being absolute opposites, of this of that of of of…and here we are on an early Saturday morning basking in God’s love for us and our love for each other. Blessed beyond measure because when things got very tough we stayed.
He gave me a Mother’s Day card. I am not his mother but I am the mother of 2 great kids. He didn’t give it to me until the end of the day. It brought that familiar sting of happy tears to my eyes. He and I decided, independently of each other, to leave our bodies to UCSD Medical school. We have both had interesting appliances installed (his heart helpers, my knees) so we thought, what the heck? The sentiment he wrote in the card made so much sense. My heart was full – we continue to walk the road and I am so thankful to a loving God for “my Steve”.
Staying is worth it. #whenyouwalkwiththewise